


Teeff

by Dodo



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen, some vulgar language, spycrab
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 03:17:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3513248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dodo/pseuds/Dodo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>horror parody, inspired by the terrible movie teeth. Staring red scout, administrator, and a spy crab</p>
            </blockquote>





	Teeff

**Author's Note:**

> this was made for a friend and deals entirely with the scene in teeth where the crab has won a sublime prize. She wanted that scene explained in tf2. This is really bad, I was laughing the whole time, I'm not fixing or adding to this drabble. it has not been beta'd and contains NSFW themes.

Life was sweet for the Red scout; he had everything he could possibly want. He was rolling in the dough, expressing his dominance over those pathetic BLUs and he had a sexy bomb girl friend. He had managed to woe Miss. Pauling, to the surprise of his other team mates. The Scout grinned as he prepared himself for another date out. He’d taken her to the movies, in sniper’s van last week though he had to bring Pyro as well. This week he’d planned a romantic picnic, with aid from his ma of course he really wanted to score with Miss. Pauling and figured something romantic would make her put out.

Scout filched a few Sandviches from the Red heavy, packing them away carefully. He also stole a bottle from the demo, candles and the lighter that were used when storms knocked out their power. He took the comforter off the Spy’s bed and packed it away. He thought about stealing a musical instrument from one of his team mates but abandoned the idea since he didn’t even no how to play anyways.

He did work on a poem, even though it started with the classic ‘roses are red’ it was all he pull up, after all poetry was for faggots. Though it did make girls happy so he thought he’d try it at least, he didn’t gay afterwards. Must've done it wrong, oh well.

“Roses are red  
I kill the Blu  
There is blood everywhere  
I really like you”

He put everything in a basket and headed out to the meeting spot that they arranged last date. Scout had arrived early and went about setting the blanket up. The candles were lit and put on the outside of the blanket he pulled out the food stuffs and waited.  
Miss. Pauling showed up in her simple purple dress, she graced scout with a smile and sat down primly. Scout removed his cap like his ma had taught him and offered her one of the massive Sanviches. She smiled and tittered on about her job as she picked out all of the meat from the sandwich.

“you don’t eat meat?”  
Scout asked he did know she was a vegetarian, He hoped she wasn’t going to preach to him about poor tasty animals.

“Oh no, I just don’t eat meat that comes from mann co.”  
She shrugged and ate the meatless sandwich carefully. Scout could have sworn he heard steroids at the end of that sentence, Miss Pauling often did that. Say things that weren’t audible, he frowned at his sandwich and took a big bite of it anyway. Steroids made men bigger, and he could be a bit bigger. 

“Say what happened to that director dude?”  
He asked with his mouthful, Miss Pauling was staring at him and he puffed out his chest.  
“Oh he’s gone,”  
She idly flicked a bit of half eaten food off of her dress. Scout sensing that Miss. Pauling was not feeling the mood, Scout decided to tell her tales of his week hoping to rescue the situation. She did perk up as he told her about him taking on the Blu team.

“So the BLUs have like five heavy’s and they crowd around the medic like flies, the best part is after I kill a few of them the Medic thanks me! Then I of course kill him.”

Miss. Pauling giggled and scooted closer to Scout, he offered some of the scrumpy to her and she accepted. Scout sputtered on the stuff, but Miss. Pauling drank it with ease, she used a napkin to wipe off scout’s face.

“You’re adorable.”  
“I’m a macho man!”  
“That too”  
She amended as she leaned up against him. Scout embolden by this started to kiss her, Very happy when she reciprocated the kiss. This was the best night ever and he didn’t even have to give her the crappy poetry. He slid his hand up her thigh and everything went south.  
Miss. Pauling pulled back and ripped Scout’s hand off.  
“No, we've been through this.”

“Man, I can’t get married out here.”  
Scout whined, he actually didn't want to get married at all.  
“You can, there is a chapel in town.”  
Scout made a petulant noise, and tried to offer her more scrumpy, which she laughed at him.  
“I see this now was a chance to get into my pants, we’re through Scout.”

Miss. Pauling marched off, leaving Scout confused. Had she dumped him? He thought only guys could dump girls? He frowned and tended to his boner before packing up the candles. He left the Spy’s comforter outside out of spite for the man who got more than he did.

\---  
At work Miss. Pauling was far more aggressive than normal. She was snapping at the underlings and pacing the hallway. It didn’t take long for the Administrator to call her in.  
“Your recent attitude Miss. Pauling explain,”

Miss Pauling launched into the story of her dating the RED scout. He was far from the perfect gentleman, he made her laugh though and that’s why she felt attracted to him, he was funny. She mentioned his obvious attempts to get into her pants even though she had stated that she wanted to get married before hand. She wrapped it up with the picnic where the scout had attempted to get her drunk enough to have sex with him. She was in tears at this time, mostly frustrated with herself for falling so hard for the scout.

The administrator offered a few cold words of advice before giving Miss pauling the rest of the week off, at a different location. Miss. Pauling accepted gratefully, unsure really why the administrator was being so nice.

The administrator chuckled as she opened a drawer and pulled out a disguise kit. Inside were various disguises, one of her, one of each team member of both RED and BLU and one of Miss. Pauling. She laughed cruelly as she picked out Miss. Pauling’s face from the kit. She was going to have so much fun.  
\---  
It had been a few days later that Red Scout kept seeing glimpses of Miss. Pauling. He hadn’t spoken of their break up to his other teammates so when the Sniper announced that he’s seen Scout’s shelia out back near the river bathing in her knickers he earned some chuckles from the rest of his team mates. Especially from Soldier who sent him off to show her the pleasure of a man.  
Scout sprinted off hoping that Sniper had not been jerking his chain. He came to the river and was surprised Miss. Pauling was on the bank nude. She was pleasuring herself, he stepped into her vision. She smiled.

“I’ve changed my mind Scout take me back?”

She spread her legs and opened her arms. Scout swallowed he had his pride and yet here was what he’d wanted all along. His eyes roved over her milky white skin, his eyes rested on her pussy, just looking at it made him hard.

“I’ll take you back,”  
He stressed the word take and shucked off his pants, socks, and shoes. He knelt between her legs and kissed her nipples before running his tongue down to her belly button, she made a delightful squeal. He grinned and moved into position.  
Oh, it was much better than he could ever think up. It was tight, warm, and moist. The stories of his brother’s conquests flooded his mind. It was a juicy snatch, and tight cunt, it was divine. He began to thrust slowly, Miss. Pauling’s delighted gasps urging him on. Words left him as he continued to thrust gasping in rhythm with his girl.

“See, this is better than marriage.”  
He panted between gasps, he was getting so close. He leaned down to kiss Miss. Pauling on the lips; harsh crinkle and the texture of paper. He pulled away surprised the disguise fluttered off the face of the Administrator, her body appearing wrinkly, baggy and leathery. Scout made a strangled cry; her gnarled talons were clutched around his arms pulling him back down into her wrinkled vagina.

“Victory,”

She announced cruelly into his ear as her lips curled into a deranged smile. Scout tried to pull out fighting against the hold of the old hag. He got one arm free when He cried out in pain. Something was biting him from inside of her vagina.

His voice failed and he crumpled on top of the Administrator. Who merely pushed him off and got up. She arched an eyebrow as she looked over the Red Scout. She moves and Scout’s dick slides out of her, his eyes widen when he sees his dick underneath her. She laughs and kicks the scout into the river. The fun was over, the scout would either die of either shock or hypothermia, or bleed out she cares not. Administrator left the dick on the bank cackling to herself as she left.  
\---  
The Red scout was missing, that’s all the BLU scout knew, and his counterpart had not appeared for the daily matches. A three day absence was unusual considering RED scout’s teammates had no idea where the Red scout was.

He decided that he ought to look for the RED scout, mostly because he was worried for his safe being. If there was that snake monster that the Demoman prattled on about out there and it had taken RED scout. It would eventually take him too.

He managed to get the Sniper to come along; He was a bit fearful of going out of the respawn zone alone. Considering the wild and drunken stories the demoman had polluted his mind with he wanted someone who could fend of a snake she monster. Sniper was the best candidate, and really the only one he could convince to come with him anyways.  
BLU scout stopped at the river, Sniper was looking over the bank.

“Signs of a struggle here, one left the other.”

He looked at the river, his aviators sliding down his nose. He got up and followed the river some. Scout looked at the ground trying to read what ever the sniper had. He could see nothing except for a crab off to the side. He crouched down near the crab that was muttering sweet nothings to a flesh appendage.  
He reached for the item only to be pinched by the crab.

“zhis is my deek! The admin gave it to me!”

The crab exclaimed waving his claws in the most menacing way a crab could. The crab had positioned his body over the item or deek, BLU scout was unsure of what a deek was.  
“It is mine! All mine!”

The crab continued to wave his claws and bubble at the mouth; scout frowned as he tended to his sore finger.

“Why do you need a deek?”

The crab made a creepy noise that could have been laughter. The claws dropped down and the crab latched them onto the item.

“Why to become man, I shall eat this and on the next full moon I shall become a man.”  
With that the crab vanished into his hole dragging the deek with him. Scout stood up and looked around for Sniper. He was really confused now.

“Oi, Scout!”

Scout turned to his left and jogged over to the noise. Sniper had found something in the river. Scout looked over the lump that had washed up on the bank.

“What is it?”  
He asked slightly afraid.

“It’s the other scout, my guess he froze to death.”  
The sniper rolled the body over with his shoe and Scout cried out in shock. The RED scout’s dick was missing! He looked back towards the crab hole, a deek was a dick. He felt sickened now.

“Poor little blighter, lost his willy. Take note of this scout. Never put your willy in something it doesn’t belong.”

He pointed to the teeth marks on the RED scout’s loins. He then pushed the body back into the water. He looked at Scout who was still staring vacantly at the spot the body had been. Sniper rested a hand on the boy’s shoulder and steered him back to the base.

They did tell what they found to their team mates rather Sniper told the rest of the BLUs scout was far too traumatized to do much of anything. He did ask the demoman if there was such a thing as were-humans but the demo just laughed at him.

He didn’t care what the demo said he knew on the nights of the full moon he could hear that strange crab chuckle in the air. Thus BLU scout never did anything alone again he was convinced that the were-human was out there looking to eat his dick like it had done to his RED counterpart’s.


End file.
